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Home » Green parenting

Being authentic

Submitted by on Friday, 25 January 2013 Loading Add to favourites  5 Comments

being authentic

Welcome to the January 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Authenticity

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through character, emotions, and establishing authentic communication with their children. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Honesty.

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Authenticity was a key word here at Chez Green during 2012.

Mr Green and I looked at aspects of our lives where we were not being authentic and started to make changes.

There comes a time in your path, I feel, when the inauthentic parts of you start to jar more and more…

The compromises you once made no longer feel right. The fear of not shining your light gets too much to bear. And you just don’t feel comfortable inside yourself; you feel exhausted and a wrongness in your core.

But it’s not always easy to be authentic because there are cultural expectations, community expectations, family expectations…

People seldom like change; particularly when they’ve boxed and labelled you and ‘know you’. They’re thrown into a loop when you change because their safe reality has to change too.

So you can find that as you become more authentic, people around you create situations with you in order to test things out…

Once of the values that has been most important to me in my relationship with Little Miss green has been honesty. And for that, I guess I mean, authenticity.

We say it how it is.

The other day my daughter said “I just need to say that when you did xxx I felt really angry and upset. You said xxx but then you xxx” and so it went on.

I nodded, validated and we moved on.

but it wasn’t enough. I could see she was actually looking for a fight, an argument. Hey, she’s a tween; remember that need, that urge, that CRAVING to fight all the time??!!

So she started again to try and goad me, to get me to rise to her bait.

I looked at her and said “I’m not here to argue, we argue too much and it depletes my energy. I’m not here to apologise because I feel that what I did was ok. Instead I’m validating the way you feel – honouring your angry and upset feelings.”

She went off for a minute, slammed a door, but within five minutes had asked me for a cuddle…

Despite the work of John Holt, I’ve always been one for praise too. I admit this is because I felt I had none as a child and it wounded me. As parents I think we flip the other way – perhaps our children will be the ones to find equilibrium and balance! But with the praise comes the criticism – the authentic opposite.

If little Miss Green brings me a piece of work to admire, I’ll admire it – if it’s worthy of admiration. But if I know she could do better I’ll say so. If it’s a piece of art I’ll say whether I like it or not – after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She likes to dress up, do her hair and will ask for my feedback. If I like her choice of outfit I’ll say, but if not I’ll say that too.

Sometimes I can be quite harsh. I’m naturally critical so I strive to balance authenticity with diplomacy. Then I see it as constructive.

What I’m hoping is, as my daughter moves into her teenage years, she’ll know where we stand. She’ll know she can come to me for honest opinion. She knows she can come to me with whatever is on her mind or whatever she is experiencing. Yes I might get angry and upset her with my reaction, but it’s real. It’s raw and honest and I don’t know about you, but I can deal with whatever is thrown at me as long as I have an honest response and know where I’m at. She knows she is fiercely loved by me and that my love is unconditional.

I ask for space when I need it (I’m an introvert, highly sensitive and I need a LOT of time alone).

I express my anger (not in the best way; I usually throw things, but I’m working on it and it’s better than the anger that hides behind a superficial smile).

I express my love

I cry, I laugh, I dance like a child, I sing in the supermarket operatic style when I’m feeling brave ;)

Being authentic is listening to that inner guidance, meditating when you need to, crying when you feel like it, shouting when it feels good to release, scribbling on a page, creating a beautiful meal, having space alone, cuddling, being one person one minute and another the next (and loving them the same), loving the moment, hating the moment, singing at the top of your voice (even when there are people around) being true, not being scared to be you in all your glory…

Being authentic is raw, evolving, primordial, it can hurt, it brings joy…

What about you? What does being authentic look like to you?

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APBC - Authentic ParentingVisit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month’s Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!

 

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 25 with all the carnival links.)

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5 Comments »

  • Destany says:

    Your words made me smile. I love that you are so honest with your daughter so that she knows you will be true with her always. I admit that I sometimes over praise and gush at my children because they are constantly seeking positive acceptance and that is the easiest way to give it.

    I especially love what you said about “being one person one minute and another the next (and loving them the same),” rings so true with me. The title of my blog, “They Are All of Me,” is derived from this very specific truth. There are many facets of myself and I am many different people, all in one – I am all of them and they are all of me. We shouldn’t seek to define ourselves as such and such, for the list of all of our ways of being are endless – and when we hold tightly to those titles, we become stuck being that one person, even if we grow to not like them.

  • [...] Being Authentic — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog ponders how to achieve authenticity when there are cultural, community and family expectations to take into account… [...]

  • Our relationships with our children are just that – relationships. Thank you for sharing a peek into the relationship you have with your daughter. I hope you will join us for next month’s blog carnival.

  • mari says:

    I like the connection you point out between raw emotion/being and authenticity. So true for me, really hits home.

  • You sound like you have a really good healthy relationship with your daughter. I hope I can Nuture this with my children as they grow older and are able to express themselves more.