Good day, Sometime: Or, how to make every day with your child a good day

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Stacey Curnow, midwifeI’m delighted to be sharing a guest post with you from Stacey Curnow. Stacey works as a certified nurse-midwife in North Carolina.  She has been a student of positive psychology for years and has applied it to her midwifery and coaching practices with great success.

She is the founder of Midwife for Your Life, a website, blog and series of coaching programs designed to help women give birth to a life they love.

She lives in Asheville, NC with her husband, young son, Ruby the wonder chicken, and Ruby’s sidekick, Spencer the wonder dog.

Today she’s talking to us about positive thought and how we can exercise our power of choice for a happier and more meaningful life.

Brain chemistry

To think is to practice brain chemistry.” – Deepak Chopra

Have you ever heard someone say, “Well, I’m no brain scientist…”? Quite recently I had lunch with a friend while he was on a break from work. When he ordered a beer I raised my eyebrows in mock astonishment. He replied “It’s not like I’m performing brain surgery later.”

But we are all brain scientists. Our thoughts really do affect our brain chemistry. And we can be like surgeons in our ability to carefully excise negative thoughts from our gray matter.

Thought patterns

Our patterns of thought are simply habits, but they are grounded in rich neural circuitry. Like deer in the woods, our thoughts form paths that will most likely be retread unless we consciously set out to find a new way. The first step to that new way is to be aware that thoughts can either be unconscious or conscious.

Fortunately, the unconscious variety is actually very short-lived. You experience these when you have an emotional reaction to a trigger in your environment. For example: you’re walking on a road and come upon a rattling snake. When you see and hear the snake, a circuit in your brain trips to tell you the environment isn’t safe. For a short time hormones, or chemical messengers, flood your body and you are in “fight or flight” mode. You stifle a scream and run in the opposite direction.

90 seconds

Brain research has shown that the time from the trigger through the hormone’s release and complete dissolution in your bloodstream is only 90 seconds. If you are still anxious and uncomfortable after that brief period, it is because you are continuing to tell the story of the snake in your path-even though it is far away and not able to harm you.

When you continue to think of the snake you are “hooking” back into the fear-based circuitry, even though your environment is now safe. It is important to pay close attention to how much time we spend hooked into the circuitry of negative emotions. Getting caught up in these loops for long periods of time can cause us to get stuck in a groove like a warped 45, and they can lead to feelings of depression and powerlessness.

Positive thought

The challenge, then, is not to get hooked. The challenge is to choose to think other thoughts, thoughts that feel better, like, “I’m glad I was paying attention and avoided upsetting that snake.”

To take another example, let’s say I am thinking about my 5-year-old son, Finn. Thinking about him is a specific circuit in my brain. Each thought I think about him can either trigger me to feel very strong positive or negative emotions.

In my brain, thoughts of Finn and the emotional circuitry of joy are intimately linked. Usually, I smile just thinking of him. Right now as I’m writing this and thinking of him I’m reminded of a song he has been singing lately, the Beatles’ “Good Day Sunshine.” But Finn sings it “Good Day, Some Time.” It cracks me up every time.

Negative emotions

But there are also other occasions when I am likely to feel bad when I think of him. Just tonight we went into an office supply store so that I could buy a phone, and he picked up a big package of chalk and asked to buy it. I said no and reminded him that he already had a big bucket of chalk at home. He again asserted his desire for the chalk, and I again declined to buy it. He burst into tears and was inconsolable for a few minutes.

When I think of that exchange I feel bad. I wish he hadn’t wanted the chalk. I wish I had been able to negotiate his request better and been able to mitigate the tears. I wish I had been less tired after a day of caring for him and his needs. I know that I could have been more patient and handled the situation better and the fact that I didn’t is the source of negative emotion.


So now I have a choice: focus on his happy song or his frustrated tears. In the moment of thinking either thought, and tripping its underlying emotional and physiological circuitry, my mouth will either lift in a smile or purse in a frown. Those strong thoughts and feelings have the potential to jump instantly into my mind. But I always have the power to consciously choose which emotional and physiological loops I want to hook into.

Realizing that you can be aware of your neural circuitry and choose whether or not to engage it is a powerful tool. If you are triggered, learning to give yourself 90 seconds to breathe through the release and dissolution of the negative chemical messengers, and then learning to choose a different, better-feeling thought will help you go a long way on your path to happiness.


  1. Mike Korner on July 19, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    The 90 second timeframe is very interesting. I didn’t know that. It sure seemed like longer than 90 seconds last time I saw a snake 🙂

    This statement really sticks with me: “In my brain, thoughts of Finn and the emotional circuitry of joy are intimately linked. Usually, I smile just thinking of him.” I have similar thoughts about my children (even though they are older now). I’ll be just going through life and will see or hear something that reminds me of them and it almost always evokes a happy feeling. I probably have a ridiculous-looking grin on my face during those times, too.

    I can see where it could be a problem if you have negative emotions tied to people or situations, and how easy it would be to get hooked. You are right that knowing about this is powerful so we can enlist our conscious brain to choose a better thought.

    Thank you for sharing this Stacey. I appreciate the information even though I won’t like snakes any better 🙂

  2. Jill Chivers on July 19, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    hi Stacey – lovely post, thank you! What struck me about your post was how doable this is. Sometimes I think there exists a myth that changing one’s mindset is hard and time-consuming. What I really liked about this post was that we can change our thinking in seconds. We may not go from Miserable to Ecstatic in 10 seconds, but we can sure feel better, even just a BIT better, very quickly. If we just pay a little bit of attention and put just a little bit of energy into it.

    Really enjoyed this post.

  3. Stacey on July 20, 2010 at 12:07 am

    @Mike Korner:

    Hi Mike!

    Thanks so much for your kind comment! I love that you have similar experiences of joy when you think of your kids!

    Earlier today my husband said, “What the deuce?!” but my son heard, “What the juice?!” and thought that was hysterical and now we are all saying, “What the juice?!” to register surprise and delight. And, of course, I’m smiling as I write this. 🙂

    I think one of the “tricks” to happiness is to make sure you have plenty of positive associations to counter every negative one.

    Thanks again for your thoughtful comment, Mike! Take wonderful care, Stacey

  4. Stacey on July 20, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    @Jill Chivers:

    Hi Jill! Thanks so much for your kind comment!

    I’m so glad the message resonated with you, too! You could say it’s simple, but not easy. 🙂

    I just found this quote and thought it was lovely:

    Millions of spiritual practitioners have discovered this before I did. I’ve learned that no matter how much I suffer, just below the surface is complete stillness and joy, waiting for my return. ~Susan Piver in Love Lessons: Heartbreak

    Thanks again for your comment, Jill! Take wonderful care, Stacey

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